Going Off The Grid

This weekend the Mrs. and I decided to take a little trip away from the reality that is our life. We drove the hour and a half from our house to Baltimore to see Fiddler on the Roof at the Hippodrome and stay the night at the Holiday Inn off Eutaw Street. Every so often the two of us realize that we are so consumed with work, family, and whatever other bull shit may be going on that we need a weekend away. Part of the arrangement is that we stay overnight wherever we go and we normally try to work in some sort of activity that would be considered educational or of the arts.

The most important part of this agreement is that as soon as we pull out of our drive way we turn our cell phones off. It's amazing how inconvenient life can be both with and without these devices. I can remember so clearly the days of not knowing where someone was every second of the day and it's amazing we survived. Greazy and I talk about this all the time. When we were in college we would actually have to plan ahead to meet up later because I couldn't just text him and see where he was after class. Why couldn't I text him you ask?? Because texting didn't exist yet. There was a pay phone on the floor of our dorm freshman year, now I'm told the college doesn't even have regular phones in the rooms for the kids because everyone has a cell phone. I could go on (and have previously) about how annoyingly convenient cell phones are but that is not the point of this post in particular.

We got to our hotel in the early afternoon on Saturday and decided to go down to the Harbor for a walk. I was down there this summer with some friends for an O's game but Mrs. XL had not been down there in quite some time. We spent some time in the giant Barnes and Noble as well as looking through each pavilion. We ended up eating dinner at the Cheesecake Factory because it was the first time either of us have ever been there and not seen a wait for a table. We then headed back down the road to the hotel to get ready for the show. The show was amazing, Topol played the role of Tevvie and he did an outstanding job. He apparently is to Fiddler on the Roof what Ewell Brenner was to The King and I. I can not say enough good things about the performance of this show and am so happy that Baltimore is able to bring this level of production to the area. What was a shame is that on a Saturday night this show was not sold out. I don't get that because I only paid $25 a ticket to get in and there is not a bad seat in that theatre. I hope that the people in and around Baltimore will begin to use this venue more as it is visually stunning and brings great quality productions to the area which is more than can be said for the Orioles or Ravens these days.

We checked out on Sunday, went to church at the Cathedral down on Charles Street and took a quick tour of Mrs. XL's Alma mater The College of Notre Dame of Maryland. She had not been on campus since she resigned her position as Admission Councilor back in 2003. We then made our way to Columbia to meet up with some friends and our God Daughter for lunch at PF Changs. After lunch we saw Where the Wild Things Are (which sucked) and then headed back to reality. On this day I did not see hardly any football which for anyone that knows me is a miracle. We did swing by the Greene Turtle to meet up with some friends before we went home and I saw most of the 2nd half of the 4pm games although most of them were blow outs. All in all a great weekend and one I can't wait to repeat again! It's trips like this that make me wonder what the hell I was thinking when I moved back to "land that time forgot" in the first place.....

Urban Legends & Douche Bags

Urban legends, we've all heard them and heaven help you if you believe them. I was at a party a few weeks ago when I was sharing with the group that my brother GSR has come across the most hilarious name for a child in his teaching endeavors. This boy's name was Ya'Majesty, I have no idea what his last name was but it was a pretty funny first name. I had barely gotten the sentence out of my mouth when one of the people in attendance started to regale us with the story of someone her college soccer coach knew that loved jello so much that they named their twins Orangejello and Lemonjello. I have been hearing about the mysterious existence of these twins since I was in high school. It's amazing how so many people know about these twins or is friends with someone who is friends with them. Hell, at this point they should both be driving....if they were actually real.

Not two seconds after we were reintroduced to Orangejello and Lemonjello another person was telling about the friend they have that's a nurse that heard about the foreign child that was delivered and named Female (pronounce Fe Mal EE) because the mother believed the hospital had already named her when they put the word female next to the sex. Again, heard that one like 10 years ago, I also heard the one where the foreign Mom named the child Nosmo King (no smoking) because they wanted them to have an English name although no one retold that one.

After we left this party my wife and I were talking about some other urban legends that we've heard over and over again. Another one of my favorites is the girl that went to the high school in the town next to your town that used frozen hot dogs to get her groove on but then got one stuck and had to have it surgically removed. I've never actually gotten a name on this girl but I heard it from no less than three different guys from different towns in college as well as other guys that live in my area.

So, now that I've reviewed the idiocy that comes along with retelling urban legends as if they were true I will be adding this to my douche bag list:

If you retell urban legends as if they were factual stories you are definitely a douche bag

Additionally a few more that Greazy and I have been working on:

If you wear a Sacramento Kings jersey to a Pirates game, you very well may be a douche bag

If you wear anything that has 22 Hollister on it you are probably a douche bag


It's funny, as I get older I need to write down these things when I talk about them. I guess it makes me a douche bag for not remembering the five or ten we came up with. Although in my defense that was nearly two weeks ago...

You Might Be A Douche Bag

Jeff Foxworthy had the market cornered on Rednecks and Bill Engvall was good at giving out signs for stupid people. I think I could have some success with signs that you might be a douche bag.

If you wear a basketball jersey with no undershirt you might be a douche bag

If the sun has set or you are indoors yet you still have sun glasses on you might be a douche bag

If you are a man and shave your arm or leg hair and do not swim competitively you might be a douche bag

If you have your last name tattooed across your back you might be a douche bag

If you are pretty sure the rules don't apply to you you might be a douche bag

If you still carry a comb in your back pocket or roll cigarettes in your shirt sleeve you might be a douche bag

If you ride your motorcycle like Evil Kenivil on the highway you might be a douche bag

These are just a few, I'm sure I could come up with plenty more if I thought hard enough about it!

I'm Drunk So Why Not Post

It's been pretty much exactly a month since I last posted so I figure what the hell. I'm about 19 beers or so in and I've had about half a bushel of oysters tonight so what the fuck. It's been an interesting ride the last 30 days. My job sucks even more than usual because my boss is an old dirty bitch and the company I work for does not seem to have any sort of long term plan. To put it short I would not be surprised to be laid off in a month or so because we are not smart enough to retain business. I don't think my ability to type actual words will last much longer so I'll put it out there that this is becoming a dead site. I lack the motivation I once had to write as I've been beaten down by the man. Maybe things will pick up and I'll have more ambition to say all the things that I am thinking because there have been quite a few. I just am too defeated at the end of the day to actually put them on this web page. The last piece of advice I'll leave you with is to go see I Love You Man because it is fucking hilarious.

Lousy Smarch Weather!

No that's not a typo, those of you that have followed the Simpsons for years will understand the reference. It is always funny to me how in the region I live we can go through January and February almost every year with maybe an inch or two of snow. We've had a few major storms in the last 10 years but by and large we really haven't had what most would consider a cold winter.

What is strange is that as we approach March this year and in most of the previous years we are poised for a big "weather event" Sunday night into Monday. As much as 6 inches of snow is possible which would bring March in like a lion on the very first day. We are completing February, a month where we probably had as many days in the 50's and 60's as we did in the 30's and 40's. Now we get into March and the promise of Spring only to have a winter storm. Mother Nature is certainly a strange one when it comes to the Mid Atlantic region.

I'll never forget the year Greazy and I went to the Orioles opening day game and the only run that was scored that April day came because the right fielder lost the ball in a massive snow flurry that came out of nowhere. Most years that we have gone to Opening day it's been in a hoodie or heavy coat with overcast skies while the preceding winter months brought us an Indian Summer that allowed us to hit the links at a time when they should be closed.

Next Saturday I'm scheduled to meet Greazy and head down to M&T Bank stadium for a behind the scenes tour of the Ravens facility that our alma mater has arranged for us. Part of the tour is outdoors and I promise you it will be butt cold and probably damp. I guess we should've planned it for February when it was balmy and 60 degrees....

XL's Crapper's 100th Post Extravaganza!!

It's just a coincidence that I realized that this is in fact the 100th post I've done on this site. I don't know if I'm on a good pace or not. When I first started this I tried to post at least every other day, then it went to weekly. Now I'm lucky to get in one a month so I don't know if I'm just busier or gotten that much lazier.

We've had some good times on this site, I've reviewed music and movies, shared what Greazy and I like to call newsy news, and I've just flat out given you my opinion on things that are bothering me. As I write tonight I think that this post will have a similar feel as the latter.

I'll start with breaking news for the XL family. My sister is actually bringing her mysterious boy friend home to meet the family on the 22nd of this month. We have no idea how long she has been dating this guy, he is actually the first guy that she has actually let anyone know she was seeing. All I know is that his name is Dave, he's from Boston, and he manages the catering company at the hospital she used to work for. He also is older than me and considering that I am 5 years older than her I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know women tend to go for older guys but I never have quite understood why.

For her to bring this guy home is nothing short of shocking. GSR and Mrs. GSR will be making the trip (or so I've heard) as will Mrs. XL and I. What is worse though is that my parents and Aunt will also be there. This guy doesn't have a chance between my Dad's unusual sense of humor, my Mother's awkward conversation starters, and my Aunt's naivety (thereby usually leading to inappropriate questions). Not to mention that GSR and I are pretty damn funny guys who will probably take our shots at the fact that this guy is no doubt a fucking Red Sox and Patriots fan. I think I should bring my sister up on charges of treason and call for a family vote on her status just for dating outside her sports region.

Needless to say I've been told that dinner will likely be chicken and ribs. The chicken because it has taken him so long to come meet everyone and the ribs because of all the ribbing he will get. Let the awkwardness begin. It's bad enough that everytime Mrs. GSR comes home she is put on the spot about Jewish culture because she is in fact Jewish. I don't think we've had a meal with her yet where my Mother didn't try to have her say some sort of Jewish blessing. Not that there is anything wrong with that but if you know Mrs. GSR that is not her bag and she'd just a soon leave all of that awkwardness out of her visit. My wife and I live as close to them as possible so we don't really pay attention to the nuances but they become painfully obvious when out of town guests visit. I will have to make a special effort to post on this big event after it happens. I can only wonder if Dave from Boston has an ulterior motive by agreeing to all of this which could make our lives even more interesting......

I'm Back Bitches!!

I'm back in two respects, the first obviously I haven't posted in nearly a month so I'm back on the web. Second, I'm back from a nice relaxing 7 day Caribbean cruise!! Last week Mrs. XL, myself and 8 other friends flew south for the winter. We flew into Orlando Florida and then boarded the Carnival Glory at Port Canaveral. Greazy and I have been on a cruise out of Port Canaveral in 2005 when our rarely mentioned third room mate "Yoda" got married on a 3 day Disney cruise.

This time we boarded the Glory for seven days of fun in the sun heading to Cozumel, Belize, Costa Maya, and Nassau. The first day on the boat is the best party day. We are so excited and there is literally nowhere to go so you just drink. One of my friends has the benefit of having substantially more money than the rest of us and he made sure none of us had an empty glass. I don't think I've ever been that drunk in my entire life, how I made it to my 8:15 dinner seating is a miracle in itself.

We had a great day at sea to recover the next day before we pulled into Cozumel. Cozumel was awesome, we bar hopped from Margaritaville to Carlos N Charlies to Senor Frogs before heading back to the boat. I had a total of two yards of beer plus two 20 ounce glasses. That is a fair amount for me although I was not as drunk as what was mentioned above. I also had a shot of some fruity shit as a Mexican waitress shot it down my throat, put the shot glass down my pants and then proceeded to violate me.

Belize was a bit of a disappointment, we didn't plan an excursion so we were stuck walking around the port. The outside world seemed pretty dangerous so we only spent an hour or so ashore before heading back to the boat. The next day at Costa Maya we went to a private beach resort that was open bar. It also had kayaks and beach volleyball as well as hammocks and nice beach chairs. We swam and kayaked and drank, one of my friends also participated in a dancing contest where he placed second. It was hilarious to watch and we were pissed that he lost because the winner got free nachos.

Our last island was Nassau which I've been to before a couple of times. I really don't like it much but we had a good day trespassing on the property of the Atlantis and then going to a public beach. The travel day back home sucked ass as we had to endure a 4 hour layover in Atlanta. I've now been back since last Saturday, watched the Steelers steal the Super Bowl and worked four days. It's like I never left in some ways but I can't wait to go back. I love me some cruisin after all.